A few days before New Year's Eve, I took the high-speed train back to my hometown. As expected, I experienced physical discomfort on the way to the train station, and my stomach started to bother me. Whether it's New Year's or not, these moments are always the most awkward. To be honest, I wanted to cut off my stomach and live on liquid nutrition. The similarity between taking the airport subway and taking a taxi to the train station is that you have to endure a journey of more than twenty minutes without a restroom. Every second of discomfort feels like an eternity.
Fortunately, I made it to the high-speed train on time after coming out of the train station restroom. I didn't have the heart to appreciate the scenery along the way; I was still at odds with my body.
After getting off the train and waiting in front of the station, my old father came to pick me up on a small sheep. He is a talkative man in his sixties. I admit that I am not a good listener, especially when it comes to him. When he started to say, "At your age, you should..." I instinctively pressed the button on my earphones, and with a thud, the world became quiet, with only music playing. When he turned his head back, all I could do was smile and pretend to comfort him.
However, even though I couldn't hear what he was saying, all I could think of in my mind was his words about "taking the right path." As for what the right path is, I have no idea. My ears were filled with noise, and I didn't want to listen. But it kept stabbing me.
There is no festive atmosphere, no liveliness. Even staying in a small room in my hometown feels suffocating. I can only immerse myself in the modern life that I despise to fight against the dark clouds above my head, just to feel a little better. Fortunately, I can't hear the nagging in my old house anymore. Life is not bad, and relationships are relatively harmonious.
This kind of life lasted for a few days, and I finished most of my work. New Year's Eve had arrived. My family took me to my mother's hometown in the countryside to reunite.
Putting aside the simplicity and contentment of the rural residents, the countryside is more comfortable than the city. My mother's sister's second child, who is in the second grade, is being bullied by classmates, just like I was back then. Learning taekwondo is useless. Maybe it can defend against punches, but it can't defend against isolation. He still unknowingly enjoys his days, and now he is at the age to enjoy the New Year. After all, the big bag of Wangwang snacks on the sofa is a special New Year's gift for children his age. When I was his age, I would also receive two or three bags. When he and his parents talk about things at school, I always end up crying, but during the New Year, people don't have the right to express negative emotions.
My mother's sister's first child has a formal job. She has a dog, but she named it Zhu Niu (Piggy). She treats Zhu Niu as her daughter. I thought it was normal, but her parents made fun of her. They said things like, "You treat a dog as family, when are you going to have children?" She is affectionate towards Zhu Niu, kissing her from time to time. If she were a cool person, she would realize that Zhu Niu is a member of her chosen family. Like me, she also has to endure mansplaining from her father, mother, or mother-in-law.
At this point, I spoke up and said, "New Year's should be a happy time, not a time to make people feel uncomfortable."
After dinner, it was already 8 o'clock. I opened the 74th Red and White Song Battle on my computer and enjoyed it remotely with a few friends. At this time, the TV should have been playing the CMG Spring Festival Gala, but the children were occupying the TV, watching cartoons, and no one remembered to watch the Spring Festival Gala tonight. It wasn't until someone caught a glimpse of my computer screen.
"Are you watching the Spring Festival Gala?"
"This is the Red and White Song Battle. I don't watch those."
It was only then that someone remembered to watch the Spring Festival Gala and hurriedly brought the TV remote control to switch to CGTN Spanish channel. It was indeed the Spring Festival Gala, but completely dubbed in Spanish. It was confusing. How could it be the Spring Festival Gala if I couldn't understand it? Then someone came over to help switch to CCTV1.
You see, nowadays no one watches TV anymore. They can't even find the channel to watch the Spring Festival Gala.
I didn't care and just focused on watching the newly released Red and White Song Battle with Chinese subtitles. Suddenly, I saw Huang Bo singing on TV. I heard him sing, "In fact, you may not understand my story later, I am full of pain." I couldn't help but think of ten years ago when he sang, "I don't want to become a dragon or a phoenix, I just want to live in happiness." It made my family laugh, so I tweeted:
"In 2014, Huang Bo: An 80-square-meter small nest, with a gentle... In 2024, Huang Bo: You may not understand my story later, I am full of pain."
In the past ten years, things have changed rapidly. I remembered that ten years ago, there was a sense of vitality, a feeling that everything would get better, and happiness was not far away. I thought that by opening my mouth, I could see the future, and by closing my mouth, I could look into the distance. Who knew it was just the afterglow of the golden age? I laughed for a while, but then I couldn't laugh anymore.
At 11 o'clock, I left the countryside and went to the temple for the first visit of the year. On the way, I passed by a fireworks stall, and my mother stopped the car and asked if I wanted to buy fireworks. She knew that I cared about the festive atmosphere, and it wouldn't be New Year's without fireworks. But what she didn't know was that I no longer had the mood for celebrating the New Year. I was no longer one of the happiest people during the New Year. So I said, "Forget it."
The car drove another twenty meters, and I hesitated for a moment. The car stopped, and I got out to buy fireworks. One box of sparklers, one tube of firecrackers, and four small fireworks, a total of sixty yuan.
When I arrived at the temple, the parking lot was full, and there were only traffic police officers patrolling and issuing tickets. I thought to myself, "It's really dark to set KPIs at this time," but then I heard someone say that there would be no fines for today because it's New Year's. That was a relief.
I climbed the stairs, but I still didn't reach my destination at midnight. So I ran to a place where there was no one and lit a firework, shouting to the crowd, "みんな、よいお年を！" But no one understood what I was saying. Maybe I was just going crazy, but I felt calm inside, thinking that this was just an ordinary day. I found a pit in the temple, lit some incense, and made a symbolic bow. The first visit of the year was done, and New Year's Eve passed by in a daze.
On the second day, the first day of the lunar year, there was nothing special. In the afternoon, I took my mother to a karaoke bar to sing. The karaoke bar was old, and the sound system was not good. It was hard to hear what I was singing. I chose to sing "Show" by Ado, using a method that would strain my voice, but I managed to finish it. I also chose to sing "Niji" by Masaki Suda, and when I reached the chorus, I couldn't help but burst into tears. My mother comforted me as usual, but mixed in with some words like "Don't cry during the New Year." Indeed, we Chinese don't have the right to express our anger or sorrow during the New Year. I could only think of the last time I cried when I watched "Stand by Me Doraemon" and when I saw the music video of this song on MTV.
On the third day, the second day of the lunar year, my old father took me to the countryside to visit relatives. It was pleasant and relaxing to walk in the fields and bask in the sun. I smelled the newly bloomed rapeseed flowers and stood on the riverbank, looking at the dry river while smoking a cigarette. It felt like this is how life should be. But as soon as we sat down at the dinner table, tension arose again. The adults said that we should understand social etiquette, and my father took me around to toast. I could manage a few words of toast, but when I listened to the elders' mansplaining while holding the wine glass, my hand suddenly stiffened. I had to prevent the riverbank from bursting. After it was all over, I hurriedly escaped and played pretend drinking games with the children. I finally made it through the day.
On the fourth day, the third day of the lunar year, there was nothing special either. After lunch, I went to the cinema to watch a New Year's movie that caught my interest. I realized that the last time I watched a New Year's movie was about ten years ago. Since then, I haven't had any contact with this kind of thing. I chose a screening with good sound effects. This time, Tonghua Qiang (the main character) is no longer a lumberjack at Bear Mountain but a coder working in the big city. He has become a captive of secular values such as working hard for promotion and pay raise, willing to sacrifice and endure the pressure of monthly mortgage payments. I realized that this New Year's film is not for children to watch; it resonates more with adults. Children can't understand words like secular values and self-choice. But at least Tonghua Qiang, after realizing his unhappiness, can choose to return to Bear Mountain. The adults in front of the screen have no choice; they can only calculate their days in a daze.
On the fifth day, the fourth day of the lunar year, relatives and friends came to my house to pay New Year's greetings. I realized that I don't enjoy this kind of liveliness; the more lively it is, the more it highlights my loneliness. I realized that I am no longer the happiest person during the New Year. I am the object of scrutiny under the mansplaining of the elders. My identity, my identity, my value, all have to give way to these traditional words, forced to be erased. I realized that what should have been a joyful festival is a time when I can't be myself, and I am unhappy. The adults are busy entertaining guests and playing cards, and they are not happy either. The young people are just going through the motions and constantly being compared, and they are not happy either. The children are forced to recite ancient poems and do homework during this time, and they are not happy either.
I decided to leave my hometown tomorrow and decline all New Year's banquets.
But it was difficult to get a ticket on the ticketing website. At the train station, I could see people carrying large and small bags. I was sure they were either returning home or about to travel. It could also be people returning to work, as the next day was the day to return to work in Hong Kong. Perhaps there were only a few people like me who hurriedly left.
However, every street and every person's mouth remained closed, unable to utter a word.
So I took a deep breath and walked against the crowd.
I continued walking, returning to my own path.
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