Over the years, perhaps the thing I am best at is escaping.
Escaping from family, escaping from emotions, escaping... I feel like I can't go on.
I can still remember the first day I came out of that place, and it turned out to be the beginning of my escape. After that, the linear life that used to be straightforward was completely torn apart. I discovered that there were so many possibilities outside of the norm, and the linear line started to split and multiply, turning from colorless to colorful, from coordinated to disordered.
So I chose a path that was more colorful and turbulent. Without a doubt, this choice, those two or three months of summer, completely changed my life.
Choice also means resistance. The struggle between seeking change and seeking stability has tortured me to death. The initial two months of confrontation, or rather, escape, no, it was a romantic escape, I still feel that it was a feat that I cannot reproduce in my lifetime. It was a journey taken solely on impulse, and I never realized how vast the world was when I traveled from place to place, and I gained a group of people willing to accompany me. And as long as there was that affection, there was nowhere I couldn't go. At least, that's what I thought at the time.
But I exhausted myself. After two turns, I couldn't resist anymore. The stone that weighed on my heart disappeared completely.
After that, I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety disorder, along with post-traumatic stress disorder as a bonus.
I worry about everything, anxious about everything, and I'm afraid of any form of departure. Medication seems to have no effect on me and makes me want to vomit. Sometimes I forget to take my medication, so I end up taking the rest all at once, and the next day I can't even get out of bed.
Emotions, emotions, they are everywhere. They are too heavy, and the places I could have reached have become forbidden. I became more and more afraid to take a step, to say even a word. Then I cut off all the connections and became completely trapped in place.
My youth was frozen at that moment, losing the opportunity to grow, and the world ceased to exist.
No one has the heart to confront someone like me, so I gained complete autonomy in this almost absurd way, coupled with the near-death experience of another important person. In human terms, it means "freedom."
That one thing that changed it all. That one sin that caused the fall.
This is probably what it means to be free in life, but still trapped in chains.
In the blink of an eye, those who were willing to accompany me are still here, but the person by my side has changed. So I wait for Godot.
In another blink of an eye, there was a small fire in the northwest, and a big fire in Shanghai. After that, I didn't even know what a mask was. But those who were previously under control went out, and those who went out before were locked up. I'm still waiting for Godot.
In yet another blink of an eye, the final lament of the golden age ended with the end of the three-year pandemic. It can never return to its former state. The earth is still rotating, and the internet is still noisy. I'm still waiting for Godot.
The New Year's Eve of this year was a farewell to the golden age. The lead singer of the Southern Star, Motoharu Sano, came up and performed a small theater, shouting the outdated rock band. The lyrics go like this:
One day someday
Before you know it
Like a drama, the times have changed
Listening and thinking, I forgot about the New Year's countdown and entered 2023. The script of the era changes faster than the script of a TV drama. The world truly no longer exists, or rather, the world I was familiar with is long gone. So let's run away, escape from the era.
This process is like running in the opposite direction, facing my past self, while that self always hoped to move forward. Just keep going, even if I might miss something, but she can't see what I missed or what was taken away from me. It's okay, I forgive you, I'm just afraid that you won't forgive me.
She wrote me a letter before, when she was still in high school, sealed in a green envelope, expressing her hopes for the future. She said, "I don't seek fame or fortune, nor do I want those elusive things. I don't want you to stand out, I want you to find a place to settle down and live according to your own wishes, to become the person you want to be."
Looking at it now, she was such a good person. It's me who should apologize.
I would tell her in a cliché but sincere way, I'm sorry for making your life so miserable, and even destroying your future.
I'm sorry for breaking your vow to never smoke, and now I'm almost smoking a pack a day.
I'm sorry that after that big shock, I couldn't let you be a normal woman, no, just an ordinary woman, but you have to follow me on this because gender is just a construct created by society.
I'm sorry that I cut myself and took drugs when you weren't looking, causing your mind to malfunction.
I'm sorry that I couldn't find a good way to escape the era, and you could only watch the leaders go crazy and be helpless.
But she held my hand and told me that even though I smoke and drink, I'm a cool person.
I envy you, you no longer live in the village, you can go to Shanghai to watch film festivals, and you have even seen Wan Qing perform live. These are things I would never dare to imagine.
You have come much further than me, you have been running without stopping, you are more confident than me. Although you tremble when speaking in public, I don't even have the opportunity to speak, and I don't understand a single bit of queer theory.
I used to draw too, but the sketches I copied from paper dolls can't compare to the exhibition piece that was confiscated from you.
You're amazing, you saved two children who were contemplating suicide in different places.
Most importantly, you are truly needed by someone now, you have genuine companionship, and you truly are the person I want to become. To be loved, to be needed, and even to have power, these are things I dare not imagine.
It's not your fault that you have become like this. I lost hope in the earth and its people a long time ago. Do you think you brought this upon yourself? Can you cure the illness that the era has brought upon you alone?
The main character's brain capacity is relatively small, and I probably didn't remember everything my past self said. But while I was licking my wounds, this year suddenly came to an end.
Breaking away from the linear life, I became a wandering gypsy. Life is no longer as turbulent as it was at the beginning, I can spread my wings, but I can't fly. These are everything in these past few years.
I have never compromised, I still carry thorns, and I can still mock those pretending to be mature. I'm still so glad I chose this path, even though I'm still licking my wounds, even though I'm still waiting for Godot. But I really love these experiences, I really love the people around me, and even those who have left.
This choice, people who point fingers will say it's taking the long way around. And there are two reasons for taking the long way around: one is that there are people or things on the main road that I don't want to see, and the other is that the scenery on the long way around is more enduring than the usual road.
The world truly seems to be nowhere to be found, I think. And I still occasionally look back at that corner because only before the corner, there is the familiar and irreplaceable world, everything I cherish, because there, I have to take the long way around.
And then, freedom is an illusion, the past is all illusions, and the future is unpredictable. How do I break free from this predicament?
2024 is cracking its whip, making a crackling sound all the way.